29 June 2003

maybe that's what this blog will be- a record of unreal moments. i had another brief one tonight. i had just gone to a play, "attempts on her life" at the thick house. it was very good. afterwards there was wine, cheese and bread, strawberries (old love) and cookies. i have a good friend in the cast, but i was alone in the audience, and thus found myself drinking wine outside amongst a crowd of people, talking to each other in important ways that i had little understanding of. they wore jewelery and interestingly textured shirts. so i walked to a space, outside, in the middle of this crowd of late thirtish, quasi-patrons, and i looked up. there was the sky, and a beam of orange building stretching against it. the orange beam ran into the buiding at an off angle, say 70 degrees, and then the building itself, grey and metal and glass, all perversly lit and blinding against this dark dark sky. the play itself attmepts to define this woman, anne, through her actions, which include international jetsetting, cult forming and terrorism. dark things.

there are dark things, and people decide, decide with their minds, which i also have, to do them...this has always been a topic that i have shyed away from really delving into, though i am so curious. dark arts, killing...they are not abstractions, they are decision that anyone can make. i could make this deciison, i could find out what it is like to kill someone. i really could, i could do it right now, i could walk out of my house, with a knife, or something, and find someone to kill, and kill them, and see what it is like. see if i can see god in the death. see if i actually have the power to affect the spiritual world- i mean maybe i dont? yes? maybe if i were to try, i would be unsuccessful, because it is not my place, and powers (?) above me would stop me. but maybe they wouldnt. and that question, can i actually affect the real workings of the world, can i affect life and death...that seems to me to be an important question worth wondering about. my everyday life is filled with meaningless, meaningless everything- the bus rides and burritos and biweekly laundry of urban existence which seem to have no impact on my spirutual life. if i am a creature of god, if i am a part of god, why i am not living life? why am i not ripping my food from the ground and running through rivers naked and killing wolves with my bare hands? and would killing another, would killing something prove this to me, prove that i have a station in the real, bloody real world of biological/spirtual existence? does that make a bit of sense?

it does, i know it does. im inclined to shy away from this thought now, because i dont want to seem crazy and have the fbi start a file on me and all. i dont fear that i may do these things- i know that my heart is too open to close things, and i have no desire to kill...but yet the idea of it fascinates me, it fascinates me that there is the possibility, and i can think of it, and thinking of it is so close to doing it. ah, this mind, which can think of anything and doesnt need to be ashamed.

and then, looking at this dark sky and this orange beam, i saw the dark sky and thought of these dark people that walk around us, who have killed. who have watched someone die at their hand. what does it do? do you love more deeply afterwards?

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