27 April 2005

lonely lonely so lonely a day of just lonely and lost and my whole body pouring with this empty water emotion, clear clear spring water running through me and my stomach a creek a whisper creak of sadness.

this is not a crybaby post!

its just interesting: when my body quivers with emotion, when i can really feel it. as tangible as a toothache or muscle sore for the climb. that lonliness of two days ago: once i had arrived on the ship and gotten my key and id and clothes ("why you say 16 1/2 if you not 16 1/2 man? now i got to fold it all up again man. the pins man! know your size man, know your size!") and moved in, and finally a moment of rest and solitude on the bed, above the blanket, and a chance to remember it all it all----------------->

the last two weeks being just saturated with love, san francisco friends lost in it, leaving it, looking for it, a jangled out of tune guitar, and me drunk with transvestites, and laughing in the street such comedies among the hills of mission dolores, and blurs of sleep and love, and wine and champagne and raspberries and kiss and kiss and kiss my goodness so sweet raspberry strawberry peach. i touch bare arms when i can; i hold elbows. and a dreaded lovetorn reunion, slow and stately as waves crash on the beach.
...and a gathering of animals cooing on a field and all pouring out of me as i say goodbye to *her*...
and then new york city tearing me apart with its brand new brand new, and i awake too long so the streetlights are moving and the sky is huge and feets afire and the friends i love most, singing me their voices and i have them forever and the sound so cool so cool doubled with a touch of chorus! so tired, so tired, i sleep over my drink, and a flute and a chorus of tribal drums looped looped looped keep me watching the edges for electrics. and he will have a child and laughs so loud, and he is in love and lauughs so loud. and chances taken, and the kindest compliment from a stranger with her arm in my sleeve. and the streets of that city flooded with love as always, legs on the subway, a girl smiling in slow motion across a bar just a small moment that will suffice for the rest of the whirlwind of moonlit rooftops and subtable icewax play that leave me just completely void, empty and clean, drained of lightning so hard did i shake the mountains that week and such a joy in my throat to feel the blast as they shake me back.

jesus jesus! stay alive! stay alive! im empty and exhausted and ready for more. ive got to stay alive for some more of this. ive got to keep this up. ive got to keep moving in place to keep my feet warm and my hair dry and my eyes shiny shiny!